There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
