she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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