I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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