I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
