there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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