I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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