I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize