So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
