guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
