i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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