you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
