Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
