The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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