Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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