I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
