"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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