yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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