sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
