Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
