hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize