I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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