I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
