wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
