she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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