Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
