theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Can Purell be used as lube?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
