I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
