Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize