Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
