It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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