My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My vagina is very pro this idea
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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