Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
