last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
