I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
