He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
worst night to have a conscience
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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