You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
well you can't waste a boner
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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