my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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