I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
