Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
