When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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