I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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