OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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