took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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