woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
