either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
