You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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