Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
