I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
