she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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