eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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