his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
