Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
