He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
