Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
