I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i out mim tonsoeep
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
