hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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