My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
