I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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