I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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