I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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