I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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